The Commander
by Lady Catkin
Summary: After Romana's murder at the hands of the approaching enemy, The Commander is now in control of all Time Lord kind. Fighting personal and professional demons, can she make a difference? 1st DW fic, please review : . Time War. 8th Dr.


"You have no idea, do you?" she yelled as she walked out of the Cardinals Hall, hotly pursued by the Doctor.

"Then tell me!" he offered, bearly able to contain the frustration behind his tone.

She marched with reckless speed and unusal lack of precision towards the Presidential Office now quickly looming ahead of them at the end of the corridor.

Although she was still accelerting, the Doctor caughht up with her and grabbing her forearm he spun her round to face him, refusing to let go even after he had stopped her in her tracks.

Despite facing him, she did not look into his eyes and fixed her gaze squarely on the embossed gold spandrels on the front of his military tunic.

Anywhere was better than his _eyes._

"Tell me" he encouraged, his voice soft and edged with concern; the frustration of moments ago seemingly dissipated now.

"I can't" she said in almost a whisper.

This was the first time he had physically made contact with her for weeks. They never saw each other at all unless it was due to a strategical meeting. Giving and recieving orders and other offical business that required them to be in each others presence. Even during the imaginitively named Stand Off of Days, where neither side progressed, receded or attacked after reaching a temporary stalemate, did they take the oppertunity to spend any time together.

She had instead chosen to spend her time with her Generals, the Inner Council and Upper Captains to plan any possible maneuvers, even though she knew all avenues had, at that point, been explored. Anything than being near _him._ Besides, the feeling was clearly mutual as he had spent the time in Hanger 42 overseeing the construction of new War TT Capsules.

It was better that way.

Even after the brutal and horrific murder of the President at the hands of the advancing enemy, neither sort comfort from the other.

When they had actually seen each other after the Presidents murder, it had erupted into an argument that resulted in the windows of the Presidential Office being completely smashed.

Now they stood facing each other in the fantastic glass corridor of power which housed the offices of the mighty of Gallifrey. The corridor reached impossible heights above them in a high arc and the air hung silently about the space, underlining the lack of discourse between the two uniformed figures stood within it's grandeur.

He let go of her arm.

"I'm sorry Iz" he said dejectedly, taking a deep breath and letting it escape slowly. He looked down at his feet and took a small step back to allow more personal space between them.

"Please" he said in a resigned manner "just tell me".

"No" she resolved and turned on her heels towards the huge elaborate doors of what until recently was the office of her friend and mentor, the President.

He follwed her and fell quickly into a reasonable and easy march for the rest of the way into the office itself. As they entered, the huge doors swung shut behind them with an ominous boom which was clearly a usual occurance as neither occupant seemed to notice.

"Iz" he said, to get her attention, which worked as she raised her head in his general direction, but still not _looking_ _at _him. She rounded the great burnt umber coloured glass desk and again looked generally at him; at the gold buckle on his belt as he approached the desk.

"Commander" she corrected, severity creeping into her voice and she sat down slowly, now looking at the thin glass tablets sprawled on the desk with High Gallifreyan hyroglyphs dancing about their surfaces.

"Commander?" asked the Doctor as he sat in the high backed ebony coloured chair across from her.

"That is my name. Commander. You are the Doctor, I am the Commander. Except you took your alias through choice, I earned mine" she bit hard on her bottom lip, she had not wanted to enter into any discourse with him, but she had ended up making a cheap shot. She picked up one the tablets in front of her to try and distract herself, but her hands had begun to shake, so she placed it down with almost too much care.

"Commander. I do apologise." he said flatly.

She spread her palms flat on the desk in front of her, taking a deep breath and then dared herself to look at him. Despite her courage, she only managed to lift her eyes as high as his mouth. She hadn't seen it for so long. Avoiding eye contact for so long had meant she hadn't seen the rest of his face and she looked in wonderment at it for a moment, before checking herself and adopting a more austere expression.

_She was simply talking to an inferior officer in her army and they are simply going to discuss military matters. That is all._

So why where her hearts pounding so hard that she could hear them?

"No, this will not do" he said with unexpected vehemence and stood up, walking bruskly towards the great long windows and stopping short of them, folding his arms staring out of the window, clearly carrying out an internal dialogue with himself.

The Commander remaind seated. She was desperately trying to remain calm. Her breathing had increased and her palms that were still spread out flat on the cool glass in front of her, began to moisten.

"Just leave" she said quietly. Her eyes remained facing straight foward. She couldn't even look in his direction now.

He didn't move.

"Did you hear what I said?" she asked in a louder voice. She was struggling now to keep the pain out of her voice.

"Yes I did" he said quietly then added "this has been going on for too long".

With that he turned around to see the Commander now standing behind her desk, gripping the edge of it, her knuckles turning white. She still looked straight ahead.

He walked slowly over to where she stood and when he came close to her he stopped, reaching out, he took her arm once more and turned her with no protest to face him. Her eyes dipped once more to the detailing on the front of his black tunic.

"Why won't you even look at me?" he asked in a quiet, soothing voice.

"Be-cause" she stumbled.

"Because of what?" he pressed.

"I don't want to talk about it" she said "you must go now. I dismiss you Captain Theta. You must go, that's an order" but there was little conviction in her voice.

"I haven't had a court marshall before, I think, so I'll take my chances and disobey you this time, Commander. Now, why won't you look at me?" he said gently and softly, like talking to a frightened child.

"I can't look at you" she said "like in there, with the Cardinals. I just couldn't. You had no right to reproach me in front of them like that. Rule hangs by a thread as it is without my personal life coming into question by those who would depose me in a moment."

""You haven't answered my question, Iz" he eased, this time reaching out with his hand and gently tipping her chin upwards so that she would face him.

The instant he did that and she looked into his eyes for the first time in so very long, she could not contain her desperation any longer and she let out a cry. Tears suddenly poured down her painfully thin, white cheeks and she began panting uncontrollably, the Doctor moved forward as if to try and put his arms around her, but she backed up, her grey eyes wide and wild.

Then the sobs came, hard and low and constant.

She sank to her knees, her arms wrapped around herself.

"Oh, ple-ease, j-ust go" she whimpered and then she sobbed more and harder, her slight, depleted frame shaking and rattling like a doll being shook by an impaitent toddler.

The Doctor dropped to his knees in front of her and for a moment, watched her agonised misery unfold before him, which visibly caused him considerable pain.

It would seem he now knew _why._

"I'm sorry Iz, I'm so sorry" he whispered almost inaudibly, tears now coming from his own eyes. He gently leaned forward and gathered up the pathetic frame of the sobbing Commander in his arms and held her there on the floor until her sobs weakened into nothing.

She pulled away and looked into his eyes "I can't look into your eyes without hurting" she said unsteadily "because I see _her_ every time I do and I can't bear it. I can't bear it I can't bear it I can't bear it. I can't cope with the pain. I watched Romana tortured to death before my eyes and stayed calm and yet, you. Nothing prepares me for you. Why us? Why now? Why did all this between us have to happen to me now? Why not a hundred years ago? Oh please, Why now? I want her back. Seeing her disappear in your arms that night... no, I can't cope with that. I cannot be, I cannot _be_ without her. I ache for her. I _ache_ for her" she took a breath and closed her eyes.

The Doctor remained silent, his expression becoming more pained with each word the woman before him spoke.

"I have a duty to fulfill. I have to lead these people and save the universe, the multiverse - everyone and everything, the existence of it all is all in flux and completely in my hands. What is the loss of one tiny person in comparison to that? I cannot let it destroy me and it is so easy to slip into that oblivion now. It opens up before me. I want to jump in. I want you and her. I want my happiness back and I cannot have either of you. You remind me too much of what I have lost and I must sacrifiace you both.I have to cope somehow. I just hurt too much. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

Tears slipped down her face.

"What else can I do?" she sobbed, bobbing her head down in resignation "I'm the Commander".


End file.
